Monday, December 29, 2003
ROY MEETS HIS NEW TEAM - April 2003
RASHAD: Coach, welcome to our program. Here are the ground rules. First of all, we all get to do this. [makes 'X' sign] Second ...
ROY: Jeepers creepers fellas. I have a few ideas ...
SEAN: Sure coach. Just run them by my dad before practice.
ROY: What are those two guys doing?
SEAN: Dammit Melvin and Jackie! Stop staring each other down ...
JACKIE: He blinked.
MELVIN: Did not!
JACKIE: Did too.
ROY: Hey now fellas, stop it!
[Hushed silence.]
ROY: What? What did I say?
[Another long silence]
RASHAD: I'm transferring.
NOEL: C'mon Rashad. This is getting old ...
SEAN: Me too.
RAYMOND: Here we go ....
MELVIN: Me too.
JACKIE: Well if he's transferring, then I'm transferring.
ROY: Dadgummit.
DAMION: Coach has a potty mouth.
[Laughter all around.]
ROY: I think we're gonna have a super time together.
RASHAD: Me too!
ROY: Then you're not transferring?
RASHAD: No way!
SEAN: Me neither!
MELVIN: Me neither!
JACKIE: Well if he's not transferring, I'm not transferring.
ROY: C'mon, let's all go to my house and drink unhealty amounts of cola!
EVERYONE: Yeah!
[At Roy’s estate]
ROY: Fellas, I’d like you all to meet David Padgett.
RASHAD: Roy, we don’t like being called ‘fellas’. It’s not respectful.
ROY: OK. What would you like to be called.
SEAN: We prefer that you refer to us as ‘your peeps’.
ROY: Well … OK, I guess. And you can call me ‘coach’.
RASHAD: Sure thing Roy. Hear that guys? Roy wants us to call him “coach’.
ROY: Anyway, this is David Padgett.
PADGETT: Hi.
MELVIN: Roy, can you tell Jackie to stop copying me?
JACKIE: I’m not copying you!
MELVIN: Are too!
JACKIE: Am not!
ROY: Fellas …
SEAN: ‘Peeps’
ROY: … um, peeps, what seems to be the problem?
MELVIN: Jackie is copying me. He’s even copying my shot.
ROY: Well that’s good, isn’t it Melvin? You’re a good shooter. Maybe Jackie copies you because he admires you. Did you ever think of that?
MEVLIN: What are you, on crack?
ROY: No. I’m not on ‘the crack,’ as you say. I’m merely trying to tell you that it’s OK if Jackie copies your shot. It’s a compliment.
MELVIN: Whatever. Merely whatever.
SEAN: Anyway, on behalf of the team, I just want to say welcome to David. David, it’s great that you’re here because we really need a center.
DAMION: Hey!
SEAN: No offense, big man. But you break down more often than a 1969 Yugo.
PADGETT: Actually, I’m not here to play center.
[Pause]
ROY: Sean?
SEAN: I’m transferring.
RASHAD: Me too.
MELVIN: Me too.
JACKIE: Well if he’s transferring then I’m transferring.
ROY: Dadgummit, nobody’s transferring. You all are my peeps. Sean, you and David can both play the 4 spot.
SEAN: Have you spoken to my dad about this Roy?
ROY: No.
PADGETT: How does that work, because you need a 4 and a 5, right? It’s in the rules.
ROY: Well, you can each be a 4.5.
[Pause]
SEAN: OK.
PADGETT: OK.
RASHAD: Hey, look. I’ve invented this dance. I call it the ‘X’.
[Rashad demonstrates his dance.]
ROY: Omigod, that’s disgusting.
[Blood curdling scream from Dave Hanners. All look at Rashad.]
RASHAD: I’m transferring.
SEAN: : Me too.
MELVIN: Me too.
JACKIE: Well if he’s transferring then I’m transferring.
ROY: Peeps! Peeps! What I meant to say, Rashad, is that your dance is the bomb. It is all that. It is [makes X gesture].
RASHAD: All right then.
DAMION: Hey everybody shut up. ‘Wheel’ is on.
ROY: How ‘bout I get us some cokes …
MELVIN: Yeah. Sure. Cookies. Whatever.
----------------------
THANKSGIVING AT ROY'S - November 2003
TBA
---------------------
CHRISTMAS AT ROY'S - December 2003
Part 1
WANDA: I want to thank you all for staying a few extra days at The Hill to participate in our first ever team gift exchange. Just let me review a few of the rules. No one was to spend more than $20 on their gift…
SEAN: Where’s Coach?
WANDA: He’ll be out in a minute. When he saw you all gathered here, he was moved to tears. Don't worry, it happens all the time. He’ll be out in a minute. … OK, you all have your cokes. There are some coke rules. First, anytime someone opens a gift and says “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” everyone must take a sip of their coke.
MELVIN: Like that’ll happen.
JACKIE: Quiet! Mrs. Roy is talking. Sorry, Mrs. Roy. Melvin doesn’t know his manners.
MELVIN: Sukk up.
WANDA: Boys! Second rule: every time someone receives a gift, they have to point to the gift giver. If anyone forgets to point, everyone must chug their coke.
DAMION: Mrs. Roy?
WANDA: Yes Damion, what is it.
DAMION: I’m a diabetic. I can’t …
[Roy enters, eyes red and puffy.]
DAMION: … never mind.
WANDA: Third and finally, no one leaves until we have all sung “I’d like to teach the world to sing.” It’s Roy’s favorite.
[Melvin burst out laughing, but is immediately smacked in the back of the head by David Noel.]
MELVIN: What?! I thought she was kidding!
ROY: Thanks honey. I’ll take it from here. Let’s see … our first gift … is to Rashad from Sean.
RASHAD: Yeah! Let’s see what the big man got me.
[Rashad tears open the box to find a DVD of Spike Lee’s ‘Malcolm X’.]
RASHAD: What the … what is this?
SEAN: It’s the Malcolm X DVD, man. It’s a great movie. Has Denzel. Very historical, very educational.
RASHAD: Man, I ain’t one of those bow-tie wearing freaks.
ROY: You mean ‘I am not one of those bow-tie wearing freaks.’ "Aint" isn't in the dictionary.
WANDA: Neither is "dadgum."
SEAN: Rashad, it’s history. It’s entertainment.
RASHAD: Whatever. It’s got the X on it, at least.
ROY: Aren’t you forgetting something, Rashad?
RASHAD: No. It’s him who forgot something. He forgot to get me a gift.
ROY: OK, everyone chug.
[Everyone tries to chug their coke. Damion pours his in a nearby plant. ]
ROY: The next gift is to Raymond from Justin.
[Raymond opens a large box to reveal some sort of white appliance.]
RAYMOND: What is it?
JUSTIN: It’s a pasta maker.
RAYMOND: A what?
JUSTIN: A pasta maker. You know, for making fresh pasta.
RAYMOND: I hate to break it to you man, but you can buy that stuff in the supermarket.
JUSTIN: I know, but this is better. Don’t you like it?
RAYMOND: Um … you shouldn’t have …
[Laughter.]
ROY: Everybody take a sip of coke.
[Everyone sips their coke; Damion pretends.]
ROY: Raymond?
RAYMOND: What?
[Silence. Raymond looks around quizzically.]
RAYMOND: What?!
ROY: You forgot to point at the giver. Everybody chug again.
[Everyone chugs their cokes, more slowly this time. Damion again pours his in the nearby plant.]
ROY: Before we do the next gift, I want you each to open the gift I gave you. Wanda?
[Wanda passes out to each player identical wrapped boxes, which the players open, to find copies of the coffee table book “100 Years of Kansas Basketball.”
JAWAD: Coach? Is this a mistake?
ROY: No mistake. I wanted you guys to understand a little bit more about our traditions.
JAWAD: OK … but we’re not Kansas.
ROY: Not technically, no. But we are all family.
MELVIN: Yeah. Last year we beat KU like we wuz their daddy.
[Laughter.]
ROY: OK, anything else, before we move on?
[Everyone points at Roy in unison.]
ROY: That’s better. OK, the next gift is from Reyshawn to Jawad.
[Jawad opens a big box to reveal a complete Xbox system, with a large set of games and attachments.]
RASHAD: Man! What’s the deal?! I got a DVD of some PBS dam thing and Jawad gets this?
RAYMOND: Want to trade, Rashad?
JAWAD: Wow. Thanks RT.
JACKIE: Wait! I thought we weren’t supposed to spend more than $20?
REYSHAWN: I’m a freshman. I thought I was supposed to do more.
JACKIE: Man, this is gonna make my gift look bad.
MELVIN: Sukk up.
ROY: That was very generous of you Reyshawn. Jawad?
JAWAD: Yeah, man. Thanks!
[Silence, but Jawad forgets to point.]
ROY: OK, everybody chug again.
[Roy chugs down another coke like it’s water. The others struggle. Byron runs to the bathroom with his hand over his mouth. As things settle down, suddenly Sean jumps up from his seat on the floor.]
SEAN: My hand’s all wet! It’s ... it's coming from the plant.
WANDA: Oh, I must have over watered it! What a mess! I’ll get a towel.
SEAN: It’s sticky. My hand’s all sticky!
DAMION: I’ll go see if Byron’s all right.
End of part 1.
----------
Part 2 of 3:
[The opening of gifts continues.]
ROY: Damion, if you didn’t want to drink coke, all you had to do is say so. You can have cherry coke instead.
DAMION: But coach …
ROY: OK, this next gift is to to Jackie from Rashad.
JACKIE: Thanks coach! You’re a super Santa!
MELVIN: Sheesh.
JACKIE: What?!
MELVIN: Nothing. You know what.
JACKIE: Can’t I just appreciate Christmas without you accusing me of being a sukk up?
ROY: Now fellas, let’s just remember, Christmas is supposed to be a time for good cheer and fellowship. When I was younger, I had to sell calendars out of the back of my car to make ends meet. So let’s all just appreciate what we have.
RAYMOND: What, the Lincoln Town Car or the Cadillac?
DAVID: Or the Escalade?
ROY: No, no. I didn’t those cars back then. This was a long time ago.
RAYMOND: Well what kind of a car was it?
ROY: That’s not the point! I think it was a Chevy Nova. But the point is that I know what it’s like to be poor – too poor to have cokes. We had to drink water, for golly gosh sakes.
SEAN: You mean like Evian?
ROY: No, I mean like tap water.
SEAN: Well, at least you had your Armani suits.
ROY: NO! No Armani suits. No fancy cars. Just a Chevy Nova and a crappy little 3 bedroom house in Carrboro with roaches and one bathroom!
RASHAD: Chevy Nova? Is that even a real car?
MELVIN: Sure. That’s what they drove on Starsky and Hutch.
RASHAD: Starsky and Hutch?! What the … what is that?
MELVIN: It’s that old TV show, on Nick and Night.
RASHAD: Get outta town. Man, everybody’s talkin’ jibberish tonight. Am I on some kind of hidden camera show or something? C’mon, where’s the camera?
[Rashad starts looking around the room for a hidden camera.]
ROY: Open your gift Jackie.
[Jackie opens his gift.]
JACKIE: Hey, it’s the X-Men DVD!
[Rashad stops looking for the hidden camera, stands up straight and tall, and strikes the “X” pose.]
JAWAD: Halle Berry. Mmmm good.
JACKIE: Thanks Rashad.
[Jackie stands up next to Rashad, who is still doing a very serious and earnest “X” pose, and points at Rashad. But he is standing too close and accidentally pokes Rashad in the eye.]
RASHAD: Ow! Man, what did you do that for?
ROY: Are you OK, Rashad?
JACKIE: I forgot that I’m taller than I used to be.
RASHAD: Yeah, I think I’m ok, but he scratched my eye a little.
ROY: Go into the kitchen and wash out your eye with a coke. That’ll disinfect it.
RASHAD: A coke? OK, c’mon now. Where’s the hidden camera?
[Rashad departs for the kitchen, looking for hidden cameras along the way.]
RAYMOND: Man I love Christmas.
ROY: Nobody loves Christmas more than me … I mean, more than Ole Roy.
RAYMOND: I especially like the food.
ROY: Nobody likes Christmas food better than Ole Roy.
[Silence. Players look at each other awkwardly.]
RAYMOND: OK. Is that all the gifts?
ROY: Yes. It’s time to go singing Christmas carols. Nobody loves singing better than Ole Roy.
JACKIE: I’m an excellent singer.
JAWAD: Me too.
SEAN: Me too.
BYRON: So am I.
[Wanda enters, a worried look on her face. She whispers something in Roy’s ear. He responds.]
ROY: Release the hounds!
[Wanda moves to a closed bedroom door, and opens it. Five small beagles come bounding out of the room and to the sliding glass doors leading to the back yard. Wanda lets them out and they begin loudly barking at something outside. Just as Wanda closes the sliding glass door behind them, Rashad comes running in from the kitchen holding what looks like a piece of wire with something on the end of it.]
RASHAD: Hey, I found it. I found a hidden microphone. It was inside the cookie jar!
End of Part 2.
----------
Part 3 of 3
[Immediately after Rashad’s discovery of the hidden microphone, car engines start up outside on the street. The team press their faces against the glass door to see two nondescript white vans with large parabolic microphones and antennae attached to their roofs. The vans begin to race away, only to crash into each other in the middle of the street. The team races outside as a two people stumble out of one of the vans.]
SEAN: Hey, it’s Chris Collins! And Coach Wojachevsky.
WOJO: WojoHOWski.
RASHAD: You guys can quit acting. We know we’re on a hidden camera show.
[Rashad looks around for a camera.]
RASHAD: Is it that Jamie Kennedy show?
[Rashad pulls at Collins hair with one hand and twists at his nose with the other.]
COLLINS: Ow!
ROY: No Rashad. I think these guys were just eavesdropping on our party. Boys, I’m ashamed of you.
WOJO: You’re not the boss of me.
ROY: Don’t you know that this sort of thing is illegal? Wait ‘til Coach K finds out!
[Collins and Wojo look at each other and smirk.]
COLLINS: Yeah. He’ll be … um … mad.
[Collins and Wojo giggle like mischevious little boys.]
ROY: Who’s in the other van?
WOJO: I don’t know. They’re not with us.
[Sound of police sirens in the distance.]
JACKIE: You should be ashamed of yourselves. They should be ashamed of themselves, right coach?
ROY: That’s right …
[Roy is interrupted by the sound of beagles barking loudly. They are at the base of a tree in Roy’s yard, looking up.]
ROY: Damion, hold these two until the police arrive. C’mon guys.
[The team heads toward the commotion. As they do, back in the street a nearly silent black helicopter lowers to just above the treeline. From the bottom of the helicopter descends a rope/line to the roof of the other van. A sun roof opens and the line falls into the van. A portly man dressed all in black and wearing a black ski mask clutches the rope and rises toward the helicopter while Damion, Collins and Wojo watch in amazement. As the man looks down, all they can see is his large nose sticking through a hole in the mask. The team, distracted by the dogs, doesn’t notice.]
ROY (peering up the tree): Matt, is that you?
[Matt Doherty clings to the tree with one hand, and a nicely decorated cookie bag with the other.]
MATT: Yeah. I just came over to deliver Christmas cookies. Call off the dogs!
ROY: Sure thing. Coke, Cola, Tar, Heel, Kirk, Nick – SIT!
[The dogs sit obediently. As Matt begins to climb down a spotlight hits him from the helicopter above. Roy looks up at it as his cell phone rings.]
ROY: Hello? … Oh hi … yeah … OK. [to Matt] Hang on a minute Matt. … Sorry about this. Coke, Cola, Tar, Heel, Kirk, Nick – ATTACK!
[The dogs resume barking. Matt scrambles back up the tree.]
NOEL: What the …?
ROY: I’ll explain later fellas. Hey, it looks like the police are here.
[The team returns to the street to see the police handcuffing the sneering Collins and Wojo. Damion is staring up at the helicopter.]
COLLINS: Like any prosecutor will ever indict us …
WOJO: We are above the law! BWAHAHAHAHA!
COP: Shut your piehole, fatty!
[The cop roughly throws Wojo into the back of the cruiser.]
COLLINS: Don’t hit me, OK? I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hit me!
[Collins begins to sob, as he is placed in the cruiser.]
ROY: Ok boys, let’s go caroling. Does everyone have their lyric sheets?
DAMION (looking skyward and pointing): But coach …
ROY: Never mind that.
RAYMOND (looking toward the beagles and pointing): But coach …
ROY: Never mind that. We’ve got songs to sing. Nobody loves singing more than Ole Roy …
JACKIE: I’m an excellent singer.
JAWAD: Me too.
SEAN: Me too.
BYRON: So am I.
[As the team heads toward the first house studying their lyric sheets, Matt, unnoticed, tosses the cookies down toward the ground, where the beagles tear into them. As each beagle takes its first bite, it drops dead on the spot. Meanwhile, back at the first house ...]
ROY: OK, here we are. Reyshawn, ring the doorbell.
[Players look skyward, hearing the faint sound of a helicopter, but they cannot see it. Roy gets their attention and motions for the players to start singing.]
EVERYONE: I’d like to teach the world to sing / In perfect harmony / I’d like to buy the world a coke / And keep it company*
MELVIN (whispering): This is lame.
RASHAD: Play along. I think we’re on Scare Tactics.
[Melvin rolls eyes.]
EVERYONE: … I’d like to buy the world a home / And furnish it with love / Grow apple trees and honey bee / And snow white turtle doves …
[Suddenly an angry man holding a shot gun opens the door and fires a shot into the air.]
MAN: Git off mah property!
ROY: Sir, we’re just caroling.
MAN: That don’t sound like no Christmas carol to me. GIT!
ROY: We'd better go fellas. Let’s try the next …
[The team retreats off the lawn as Roy's cell phone rings.]
ROY: Yes? … Yeah, hi again …
[Roy looks up toward the sky; faint sound of helicopter blades whirring. He takes out a pen and paper and jots notes during the call.]
ROY: … Sure coach … OK … Uh-huh … Yes … OK … Yeah I’ll tell ‘em.
[Roy hangs up cell phone. And looks at his notes]
ROY: OK, Sean, you’re a little flat on the chorus. Byron, you said you were an excellent singer. Turns out you’re not. Jawad, tuck in your shirt. Rashad and Melvin, stop intentionally merging the end of the word “furnish” into the word “it”. It’s not funny. I’m the only one who gets to curse here. You’re acting like your six years old.
RAYMOND: Who’s up in the helicopter?
ROY: Never you mind. Justin, apparently your singing is quite good. Keep up the good work. Let’s try the next house.
[By the third house, the team was sounding like a professional choir. No one ever did find out how the beagles died. Matt escaped to Charlotte. Collins and Wojo were never prosecuted, and their van was returned to Duke University. They were named Duke Employees of the Month by outgoing Duke President Nan Keohane. The other van disappeared mysteriously and was never found.]
The end.
---------------
RASHAD: Coach, welcome to our program. Here are the ground rules. First of all, we all get to do this. [makes 'X' sign] Second ...
ROY: Jeepers creepers fellas. I have a few ideas ...
SEAN: Sure coach. Just run them by my dad before practice.
ROY: What are those two guys doing?
SEAN: Dammit Melvin and Jackie! Stop staring each other down ...
JACKIE: He blinked.
MELVIN: Did not!
JACKIE: Did too.
ROY: Hey now fellas, stop it!
[Hushed silence.]
ROY: What? What did I say?
[Another long silence]
RASHAD: I'm transferring.
NOEL: C'mon Rashad. This is getting old ...
SEAN: Me too.
RAYMOND: Here we go ....
MELVIN: Me too.
JACKIE: Well if he's transferring, then I'm transferring.
ROY: Dadgummit.
DAMION: Coach has a potty mouth.
[Laughter all around.]
ROY: I think we're gonna have a super time together.
RASHAD: Me too!
ROY: Then you're not transferring?
RASHAD: No way!
SEAN: Me neither!
MELVIN: Me neither!
JACKIE: Well if he's not transferring, I'm not transferring.
ROY: C'mon, let's all go to my house and drink unhealty amounts of cola!
EVERYONE: Yeah!
[At Roy’s estate]
ROY: Fellas, I’d like you all to meet David Padgett.
RASHAD: Roy, we don’t like being called ‘fellas’. It’s not respectful.
ROY: OK. What would you like to be called.
SEAN: We prefer that you refer to us as ‘your peeps’.
ROY: Well … OK, I guess. And you can call me ‘coach’.
RASHAD: Sure thing Roy. Hear that guys? Roy wants us to call him “coach’.
ROY: Anyway, this is David Padgett.
PADGETT: Hi.
MELVIN: Roy, can you tell Jackie to stop copying me?
JACKIE: I’m not copying you!
MELVIN: Are too!
JACKIE: Am not!
ROY: Fellas …
SEAN: ‘Peeps’
ROY: … um, peeps, what seems to be the problem?
MELVIN: Jackie is copying me. He’s even copying my shot.
ROY: Well that’s good, isn’t it Melvin? You’re a good shooter. Maybe Jackie copies you because he admires you. Did you ever think of that?
MEVLIN: What are you, on crack?
ROY: No. I’m not on ‘the crack,’ as you say. I’m merely trying to tell you that it’s OK if Jackie copies your shot. It’s a compliment.
MELVIN: Whatever. Merely whatever.
SEAN: Anyway, on behalf of the team, I just want to say welcome to David. David, it’s great that you’re here because we really need a center.
DAMION: Hey!
SEAN: No offense, big man. But you break down more often than a 1969 Yugo.
PADGETT: Actually, I’m not here to play center.
[Pause]
ROY: Sean?
SEAN: I’m transferring.
RASHAD: Me too.
MELVIN: Me too.
JACKIE: Well if he’s transferring then I’m transferring.
ROY: Dadgummit, nobody’s transferring. You all are my peeps. Sean, you and David can both play the 4 spot.
SEAN: Have you spoken to my dad about this Roy?
ROY: No.
PADGETT: How does that work, because you need a 4 and a 5, right? It’s in the rules.
ROY: Well, you can each be a 4.5.
[Pause]
SEAN: OK.
PADGETT: OK.
RASHAD: Hey, look. I’ve invented this dance. I call it the ‘X’.
[Rashad demonstrates his dance.]
ROY: Omigod, that’s disgusting.
[Blood curdling scream from Dave Hanners. All look at Rashad.]
RASHAD: I’m transferring.
SEAN: : Me too.
MELVIN: Me too.
JACKIE: Well if he’s transferring then I’m transferring.
ROY: Peeps! Peeps! What I meant to say, Rashad, is that your dance is the bomb. It is all that. It is [makes X gesture].
RASHAD: All right then.
DAMION: Hey everybody shut up. ‘Wheel’ is on.
ROY: How ‘bout I get us some cokes …
MELVIN: Yeah. Sure. Cookies. Whatever.
----------------------
THANKSGIVING AT ROY'S - November 2003
TBA
---------------------
CHRISTMAS AT ROY'S - December 2003
Part 1
WANDA: I want to thank you all for staying a few extra days at The Hill to participate in our first ever team gift exchange. Just let me review a few of the rules. No one was to spend more than $20 on their gift…
SEAN: Where’s Coach?
WANDA: He’ll be out in a minute. When he saw you all gathered here, he was moved to tears. Don't worry, it happens all the time. He’ll be out in a minute. … OK, you all have your cokes. There are some coke rules. First, anytime someone opens a gift and says “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” everyone must take a sip of their coke.
MELVIN: Like that’ll happen.
JACKIE: Quiet! Mrs. Roy is talking. Sorry, Mrs. Roy. Melvin doesn’t know his manners.
MELVIN: Sukk up.
WANDA: Boys! Second rule: every time someone receives a gift, they have to point to the gift giver. If anyone forgets to point, everyone must chug their coke.
DAMION: Mrs. Roy?
WANDA: Yes Damion, what is it.
DAMION: I’m a diabetic. I can’t …
[Roy enters, eyes red and puffy.]
DAMION: … never mind.
WANDA: Third and finally, no one leaves until we have all sung “I’d like to teach the world to sing.” It’s Roy’s favorite.
[Melvin burst out laughing, but is immediately smacked in the back of the head by David Noel.]
MELVIN: What?! I thought she was kidding!
ROY: Thanks honey. I’ll take it from here. Let’s see … our first gift … is to Rashad from Sean.
RASHAD: Yeah! Let’s see what the big man got me.
[Rashad tears open the box to find a DVD of Spike Lee’s ‘Malcolm X’.]
RASHAD: What the … what is this?
SEAN: It’s the Malcolm X DVD, man. It’s a great movie. Has Denzel. Very historical, very educational.
RASHAD: Man, I ain’t one of those bow-tie wearing freaks.
ROY: You mean ‘I am not one of those bow-tie wearing freaks.’ "Aint" isn't in the dictionary.
WANDA: Neither is "dadgum."
SEAN: Rashad, it’s history. It’s entertainment.
RASHAD: Whatever. It’s got the X on it, at least.
ROY: Aren’t you forgetting something, Rashad?
RASHAD: No. It’s him who forgot something. He forgot to get me a gift.
ROY: OK, everyone chug.
[Everyone tries to chug their coke. Damion pours his in a nearby plant. ]
ROY: The next gift is to Raymond from Justin.
[Raymond opens a large box to reveal some sort of white appliance.]
RAYMOND: What is it?
JUSTIN: It’s a pasta maker.
RAYMOND: A what?
JUSTIN: A pasta maker. You know, for making fresh pasta.
RAYMOND: I hate to break it to you man, but you can buy that stuff in the supermarket.
JUSTIN: I know, but this is better. Don’t you like it?
RAYMOND: Um … you shouldn’t have …
[Laughter.]
ROY: Everybody take a sip of coke.
[Everyone sips their coke; Damion pretends.]
ROY: Raymond?
RAYMOND: What?
[Silence. Raymond looks around quizzically.]
RAYMOND: What?!
ROY: You forgot to point at the giver. Everybody chug again.
[Everyone chugs their cokes, more slowly this time. Damion again pours his in the nearby plant.]
ROY: Before we do the next gift, I want you each to open the gift I gave you. Wanda?
[Wanda passes out to each player identical wrapped boxes, which the players open, to find copies of the coffee table book “100 Years of Kansas Basketball.”
JAWAD: Coach? Is this a mistake?
ROY: No mistake. I wanted you guys to understand a little bit more about our traditions.
JAWAD: OK … but we’re not Kansas.
ROY: Not technically, no. But we are all family.
MELVIN: Yeah. Last year we beat KU like we wuz their daddy.
[Laughter.]
ROY: OK, anything else, before we move on?
[Everyone points at Roy in unison.]
ROY: That’s better. OK, the next gift is from Reyshawn to Jawad.
[Jawad opens a big box to reveal a complete Xbox system, with a large set of games and attachments.]
RASHAD: Man! What’s the deal?! I got a DVD of some PBS dam thing and Jawad gets this?
RAYMOND: Want to trade, Rashad?
JAWAD: Wow. Thanks RT.
JACKIE: Wait! I thought we weren’t supposed to spend more than $20?
REYSHAWN: I’m a freshman. I thought I was supposed to do more.
JACKIE: Man, this is gonna make my gift look bad.
MELVIN: Sukk up.
ROY: That was very generous of you Reyshawn. Jawad?
JAWAD: Yeah, man. Thanks!
[Silence, but Jawad forgets to point.]
ROY: OK, everybody chug again.
[Roy chugs down another coke like it’s water. The others struggle. Byron runs to the bathroom with his hand over his mouth. As things settle down, suddenly Sean jumps up from his seat on the floor.]
SEAN: My hand’s all wet! It’s ... it's coming from the plant.
WANDA: Oh, I must have over watered it! What a mess! I’ll get a towel.
SEAN: It’s sticky. My hand’s all sticky!
DAMION: I’ll go see if Byron’s all right.
End of part 1.
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Part 2 of 3:
[The opening of gifts continues.]
ROY: Damion, if you didn’t want to drink coke, all you had to do is say so. You can have cherry coke instead.
DAMION: But coach …
ROY: OK, this next gift is to to Jackie from Rashad.
JACKIE: Thanks coach! You’re a super Santa!
MELVIN: Sheesh.
JACKIE: What?!
MELVIN: Nothing. You know what.
JACKIE: Can’t I just appreciate Christmas without you accusing me of being a sukk up?
ROY: Now fellas, let’s just remember, Christmas is supposed to be a time for good cheer and fellowship. When I was younger, I had to sell calendars out of the back of my car to make ends meet. So let’s all just appreciate what we have.
RAYMOND: What, the Lincoln Town Car or the Cadillac?
DAVID: Or the Escalade?
ROY: No, no. I didn’t those cars back then. This was a long time ago.
RAYMOND: Well what kind of a car was it?
ROY: That’s not the point! I think it was a Chevy Nova. But the point is that I know what it’s like to be poor – too poor to have cokes. We had to drink water, for golly gosh sakes.
SEAN: You mean like Evian?
ROY: No, I mean like tap water.
SEAN: Well, at least you had your Armani suits.
ROY: NO! No Armani suits. No fancy cars. Just a Chevy Nova and a crappy little 3 bedroom house in Carrboro with roaches and one bathroom!
RASHAD: Chevy Nova? Is that even a real car?
MELVIN: Sure. That’s what they drove on Starsky and Hutch.
RASHAD: Starsky and Hutch?! What the … what is that?
MELVIN: It’s that old TV show, on Nick and Night.
RASHAD: Get outta town. Man, everybody’s talkin’ jibberish tonight. Am I on some kind of hidden camera show or something? C’mon, where’s the camera?
[Rashad starts looking around the room for a hidden camera.]
ROY: Open your gift Jackie.
[Jackie opens his gift.]
JACKIE: Hey, it’s the X-Men DVD!
[Rashad stops looking for the hidden camera, stands up straight and tall, and strikes the “X” pose.]
JAWAD: Halle Berry. Mmmm good.
JACKIE: Thanks Rashad.
[Jackie stands up next to Rashad, who is still doing a very serious and earnest “X” pose, and points at Rashad. But he is standing too close and accidentally pokes Rashad in the eye.]
RASHAD: Ow! Man, what did you do that for?
ROY: Are you OK, Rashad?
JACKIE: I forgot that I’m taller than I used to be.
RASHAD: Yeah, I think I’m ok, but he scratched my eye a little.
ROY: Go into the kitchen and wash out your eye with a coke. That’ll disinfect it.
RASHAD: A coke? OK, c’mon now. Where’s the hidden camera?
[Rashad departs for the kitchen, looking for hidden cameras along the way.]
RAYMOND: Man I love Christmas.
ROY: Nobody loves Christmas more than me … I mean, more than Ole Roy.
RAYMOND: I especially like the food.
ROY: Nobody likes Christmas food better than Ole Roy.
[Silence. Players look at each other awkwardly.]
RAYMOND: OK. Is that all the gifts?
ROY: Yes. It’s time to go singing Christmas carols. Nobody loves singing better than Ole Roy.
JACKIE: I’m an excellent singer.
JAWAD: Me too.
SEAN: Me too.
BYRON: So am I.
[Wanda enters, a worried look on her face. She whispers something in Roy’s ear. He responds.]
ROY: Release the hounds!
[Wanda moves to a closed bedroom door, and opens it. Five small beagles come bounding out of the room and to the sliding glass doors leading to the back yard. Wanda lets them out and they begin loudly barking at something outside. Just as Wanda closes the sliding glass door behind them, Rashad comes running in from the kitchen holding what looks like a piece of wire with something on the end of it.]
RASHAD: Hey, I found it. I found a hidden microphone. It was inside the cookie jar!
End of Part 2.
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Part 3 of 3
[Immediately after Rashad’s discovery of the hidden microphone, car engines start up outside on the street. The team press their faces against the glass door to see two nondescript white vans with large parabolic microphones and antennae attached to their roofs. The vans begin to race away, only to crash into each other in the middle of the street. The team races outside as a two people stumble out of one of the vans.]
SEAN: Hey, it’s Chris Collins! And Coach Wojachevsky.
WOJO: WojoHOWski.
RASHAD: You guys can quit acting. We know we’re on a hidden camera show.
[Rashad looks around for a camera.]
RASHAD: Is it that Jamie Kennedy show?
[Rashad pulls at Collins hair with one hand and twists at his nose with the other.]
COLLINS: Ow!
ROY: No Rashad. I think these guys were just eavesdropping on our party. Boys, I’m ashamed of you.
WOJO: You’re not the boss of me.
ROY: Don’t you know that this sort of thing is illegal? Wait ‘til Coach K finds out!
[Collins and Wojo look at each other and smirk.]
COLLINS: Yeah. He’ll be … um … mad.
[Collins and Wojo giggle like mischevious little boys.]
ROY: Who’s in the other van?
WOJO: I don’t know. They’re not with us.
[Sound of police sirens in the distance.]
JACKIE: You should be ashamed of yourselves. They should be ashamed of themselves, right coach?
ROY: That’s right …
[Roy is interrupted by the sound of beagles barking loudly. They are at the base of a tree in Roy’s yard, looking up.]
ROY: Damion, hold these two until the police arrive. C’mon guys.
[The team heads toward the commotion. As they do, back in the street a nearly silent black helicopter lowers to just above the treeline. From the bottom of the helicopter descends a rope/line to the roof of the other van. A sun roof opens and the line falls into the van. A portly man dressed all in black and wearing a black ski mask clutches the rope and rises toward the helicopter while Damion, Collins and Wojo watch in amazement. As the man looks down, all they can see is his large nose sticking through a hole in the mask. The team, distracted by the dogs, doesn’t notice.]
ROY (peering up the tree): Matt, is that you?
[Matt Doherty clings to the tree with one hand, and a nicely decorated cookie bag with the other.]
MATT: Yeah. I just came over to deliver Christmas cookies. Call off the dogs!
ROY: Sure thing. Coke, Cola, Tar, Heel, Kirk, Nick – SIT!
[The dogs sit obediently. As Matt begins to climb down a spotlight hits him from the helicopter above. Roy looks up at it as his cell phone rings.]
ROY: Hello? … Oh hi … yeah … OK. [to Matt] Hang on a minute Matt. … Sorry about this. Coke, Cola, Tar, Heel, Kirk, Nick – ATTACK!
[The dogs resume barking. Matt scrambles back up the tree.]
NOEL: What the …?
ROY: I’ll explain later fellas. Hey, it looks like the police are here.
[The team returns to the street to see the police handcuffing the sneering Collins and Wojo. Damion is staring up at the helicopter.]
COLLINS: Like any prosecutor will ever indict us …
WOJO: We are above the law! BWAHAHAHAHA!
COP: Shut your piehole, fatty!
[The cop roughly throws Wojo into the back of the cruiser.]
COLLINS: Don’t hit me, OK? I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hit me!
[Collins begins to sob, as he is placed in the cruiser.]
ROY: Ok boys, let’s go caroling. Does everyone have their lyric sheets?
DAMION (looking skyward and pointing): But coach …
ROY: Never mind that.
RAYMOND (looking toward the beagles and pointing): But coach …
ROY: Never mind that. We’ve got songs to sing. Nobody loves singing more than Ole Roy …
JACKIE: I’m an excellent singer.
JAWAD: Me too.
SEAN: Me too.
BYRON: So am I.
[As the team heads toward the first house studying their lyric sheets, Matt, unnoticed, tosses the cookies down toward the ground, where the beagles tear into them. As each beagle takes its first bite, it drops dead on the spot. Meanwhile, back at the first house ...]
ROY: OK, here we are. Reyshawn, ring the doorbell.
[Players look skyward, hearing the faint sound of a helicopter, but they cannot see it. Roy gets their attention and motions for the players to start singing.]
EVERYONE: I’d like to teach the world to sing / In perfect harmony / I’d like to buy the world a coke / And keep it company*
MELVIN (whispering): This is lame.
RASHAD: Play along. I think we’re on Scare Tactics.
[Melvin rolls eyes.]
EVERYONE: … I’d like to buy the world a home / And furnish it with love / Grow apple trees and honey bee / And snow white turtle doves …
[Suddenly an angry man holding a shot gun opens the door and fires a shot into the air.]
MAN: Git off mah property!
ROY: Sir, we’re just caroling.
MAN: That don’t sound like no Christmas carol to me. GIT!
ROY: We'd better go fellas. Let’s try the next …
[The team retreats off the lawn as Roy's cell phone rings.]
ROY: Yes? … Yeah, hi again …
[Roy looks up toward the sky; faint sound of helicopter blades whirring. He takes out a pen and paper and jots notes during the call.]
ROY: … Sure coach … OK … Uh-huh … Yes … OK … Yeah I’ll tell ‘em.
[Roy hangs up cell phone. And looks at his notes]
ROY: OK, Sean, you’re a little flat on the chorus. Byron, you said you were an excellent singer. Turns out you’re not. Jawad, tuck in your shirt. Rashad and Melvin, stop intentionally merging the end of the word “furnish” into the word “it”. It’s not funny. I’m the only one who gets to curse here. You’re acting like your six years old.
RAYMOND: Who’s up in the helicopter?
ROY: Never you mind. Justin, apparently your singing is quite good. Keep up the good work. Let’s try the next house.
[By the third house, the team was sounding like a professional choir. No one ever did find out how the beagles died. Matt escaped to Charlotte. Collins and Wojo were never prosecuted, and their van was returned to Duke University. They were named Duke Employees of the Month by outgoing Duke President Nan Keohane. The other van disappeared mysteriously and was never found.]
The end.
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